Saturday, July 01, 2006

Apathy Jack writes:

In the next few weeks Tim Selwyn gets his sentence for being found guilty of thought-crime. See, my biggest problem with the guilty verdict isn't so much that Tim was tried for a crime no-one's been convicted of since the world was last at war, or because this is a major step towards the total destruction of free-speech in this country and will almost certainly lead to Patriot Act style legislating now that the government has figured out that they can get with it.

No, my major problem is that Tim was allegedly found guilty by a jury of his peers.

Now, those of us who have been around for a while, and have kept abreast of some of Tim's extra-curricular activities over the years, will know just how dodgy he truly is, and that a dozen workaday schlubs could never be regarded as his peers.

So, to help the justice department in the event that a retrial is necessary, I have taken the liberty of compiling a list of twelve individuals who could truly be counted as Tim Selwyn's peers, should a jury need to be convened.

Originally uploaded by Brain Stab.
Lex Luthor

A comic book super villain. Pretty self-explanatory really.

Fu Manchu
Originally uploaded by Brain Stab.
Fu Manchu

Sure, Tim differs slightly in that he is an inscrutable occidental villain, but the key words here are "inscrutable" and "villain"...

Number 2
Originally uploaded by Brain Stab.
The Prisoner's Number 2

Vague, mercurial and frustratingly cheerful as he runs you around in circles and obfuscates the truth. Sounds about it.

Originally uploaded by Brain Stab.

Personally, I don't even really like the Bond movies, but you have to admit the list would be somewhat incomplete without this one.

Originally uploaded by Brain Stab.
Pinhead from the Hellraiser franchise

I don't know, I just can't shake the image of Tim chatting up some innocent wee thing in a bar with the line "We have such sights to show you" and meeting any rebuttals with "It is your flesh we want to experience, not your skill at bargaining."

Originally uploaded by Brain Stab.
The Family Guy's Evil Monkey

Because there ain't no evil like monkey evil.

Originally uploaded by Brain Stab.
Freddy Krueger

Haunting your dreams, and returning again and again when you think he's been defeated. Yep.

Originally uploaded by Brain Stab.
Brain Stab and Monkey Fluids' Josh

No, seriously, I know you all think he's clean and doesn't belong on a list of super villains, but for god's sake, check under his floorboards! You think all of those hookers disappearing was just a coincidence?

Originally uploaded by Brain Stab.
The Labyrinth's Jareth

A semi-fictional villain come to life to fulfil the expectations of an innocent world that needs an adversary? Check.

Originally uploaded by Brain Stab.

I'm not sure if Tim bears more a resemblance to the historical Vlad the Impaler – who stuck thousands of innocent people on spikes for no reason other than general sadism, or the fictional Count Dracula – who was immortal, could turn to mist and drank the blood of virgins. There's evidence for both...

Originally uploaded by Brain Stab.

Specifically the one played by Viggo Mortenson in The Prophecy. Partly because it is the best portrayal of Lucifer ever captured on the small screen, but also because I can see Tim in a bar, after the Pinhead pickup lines have failed, hissing "I love you more than Jesus!"

Zakk Wylde
Originally uploaded by Brain Stab.
Zakk Wylde from Black Label Society

I have no idea if Wylde is a villain or not, hell, he could give money to homeless people and adopt war orphans for all I know, but for god's sake, just look at him. I mean, seriously...

This all having been said, it is legitimately messed up that someone has been charged with sedition in the twenty-first century. I don't just say this because of my nominal acquaintanceship with him (this is New Zealand – everyone is a friend of a friend) – hell I happen to think he deserves a solid slap on the wrist with an only slightly moistened bus ticket for putting the axe through the window. That was actually a crime, and deserves to be treated as one. But Tim also thinks so, having put in a plea of guilty and shown willingness to accept any fair punishment.

But sedition?

This is, and let's be clear here, when you have an illegal thought. And not a thought like planning to kill someone, but rather an expression of discontent with the way things are. Well you know what: I have a bunch of those, and I'm pretty sure you do too. Ninety percent of the weak internet journals out there stand as future evidence at someone's sedition trial.

I want you to get angry at this. There's no activism coming up on this issue – Tim has pissed off one too many of the lefties for that – but I want you to stay angry for when this next comes up, because we can't allow this sort of thing to keep happening. They got Tim this week, but was that a one-off case of bitch-slapping the smartarse, or was it the beginning of something? Because if it is the second option; then they could come for you next.

And sure, right now you're saying: "Don't be ridiculous, that sort of alarmist McCarthyism doesn't really happen in the twenty-first century."

Which is exactly what we all said when Tim was first charged with sedition.


Josh said...

Of course, folks, he doesn't tell you which one of the people in that picture is me. Probably for the best -- those who gaze upon me in my true form are turned instantly to dust and shadows.

But I've said too much...

t selwyn said...

Well, at least the jury will be an intelligent one...

Your analysis is correct. I have pissed off many lefties before (and no doubt in the future) and have regrettable "historic" offending that may well undermine my position in many people's eyes. However I have to appeal, as you say, for the sake of those who will be next.