Guest Ranting Bastard writes:
Today’s post is brought to you by Hewligan, the misanthropic bastard behind Mutopia, and his recently established deviantart site.
livingInTheFuture::apathyJack - An Introduction
So Apathy Jack asks us to write about living in the future. What the fuck would he know about it? Last I heard, his computer - originally built in the mid sixteen-hundreds - was powered by a gerbil running in a wheel. Mind you, that machine stopped working when he got hungry one night, and ate the gerbil.
Raw.
And he only recently got a mobile. Of course, that wasn't really voluntary. More a result of the court order. Which really wasn't fair. I mean, yes, the NSA may have had a point that the world would be safer if they could monitor his phone calls. And that would have been difficult, what with him not having a phone and all, but, really, the thing in Nicaragua wasn't his fault.
Everyone knew that using the torment:scream would produce brain cancer in 30% of men within a five hundred mile radius, so I guess you could blame him for that. But who the hell knew that it would produce testicular cancer in 80% of women? No one could have seen that coming.
Sure, it's a bit weird, when you're sitting next to him on the couch, and he has to phone you to ask you to pass the chips. Still, better safe than sorry.
livingInTheFuture::mrFrankStupid - pie.log
MFS@FFCA.DC32.4A21.1136: Online
MFS@FFCA.DC32.4A21.1136: Active
MFS@FFCA.DC32.4A21.1136: search->("Br1ng m3 p13")
"p13" not found.
MFS@FFCA.DC32.4A21.1136: search->("Br1ng m3 p13" || "Br1ng m3 h4mburg3r")
No results returned.
MFS@FFCA.DC32.4A21.1136: search->("Br1ng m3 fuck1ng p13. 1'm starving.")
Segmentation Fault. Core dumped.
MFS@FFCA.DC32.4A21.1136: reboot
...
MFS@FFCA.DC32.4A21.1136: Online
MFS@FFCA.DC32.4A21.1136: Active
MFS@FFCA.DC32.4A21.1136: help->("p13")
A tasty treat usually made from pastry stuffed with kitten entrails. For sources of pie, please search "Br1ng m3 p13."
MFS@FFCA.DC32.4A21.1136: search->("Br1ng m3 p13")
Segmentation Fault. Core dumped.
MFS@FFCA.DC32.4A21.1136: reboot
...
...
MFS@FFCA.DC32.4A21.1136: search->("Br1ng m3 p13")
No results returned.
MFS@FFCA.DC32.4A21.1136: emergency->("H3lp, 1'm, st4rv1ng")
Syntax error in module interface::emergency on line 43276589400. Expecting [.
MFS@FFCA.DC32.4A21.1136: help->("Starving")
A result of inadequate nutritional supply to organic components. Suggest requesting "p1 3."
MFS@FFCA.DC32.4A21.1136: request->("p13")
Method not implemented. For sources of p13, search "Br1ng m3 p13."
MFS@FFCA.DC32.4A21.1136: search->("Br1ng m3 p13")
"p13" not found.
MFS@FFCA.DC32.4A21.1136: search->("H3lp m3! 1'm st4rv1ng!")
Segmentation Fault. Core dumped.
MFS@FFCA.DC32.4A21.1136: reboot
...
MFS@FFCA.DC32.4A21.1136: Online
MFS@FFCA.DC32.4A21.1136: ...
MFS@FFCA.DC32.4A21.1136: ERROR
Failure in module interface::mrFrankStupid - module failed to initialize.
Reason: module is dead.
MFS@FFCA.DC32.4A21.1136: interface::mrFrankStupid->stackTrace()
interface::mrFrankStupid has failed.
Diagnosis: Power supply failure.
To report this failure call externalInterface::emergencyServices->dead("mrFrankStupid")
MFS@FFCA.DC32.4A21.1136: externalInterface::emergencyServices->dead("mrFrankStupid")
Syntax error in module externalInterface::emergency Services on line 3485385678623. Expecting ~.
livingInTheFuture::josh - Born Free
Josh galloped through the Serengeti Conurb, his four long, stilt-like legs carrying him easily through the rush-hour traffic. His similarly long neck allowed him to easily graze on the roof flora of the star:scrapers around him. Josh smiled, pleased with his new trans:specification.
His smile widened, and his satisfaction with his new trans:specification increased when he noticed how it let him look in on the japaneseSchoolGirls(tm) having a pillow fight in their underwear in their apartment on the 471st floor of the I Like P13 Ltd building. Thanks to their unnaturally large eyes, however, they soon spotted him. Realising that Josh had no tentacles at all, the japaneseSchoolGirls(tm) became very upset and started screaming.
"The giraffe watches you!" shouted Josh, before running off.
Unfortunately, he ran straight into the captcha:net that had been hung across the street by Spartacus Jellybean.
Jellybean stood before the entangled Josh. In his left hand, he held an enormous hunting knife. In his right hand he held a cutlass. With the two arms sprouting inexplicably from where one would have expected his ears to be, he held a large-bore hunting rifle. With his remaining hand, he held his cybernetically enhanced cock, which he masturbated frantically.
A little drool fell from the corner of his mouth and dropped to the ground before him. The syphilis in it quickly began breading into a new super-bacteria that would, in a mere two weeks, kill thirty million people.
"Giraffe steaks for dinner!" cried Jellybean.
Josh began to wonder if his trans:specification had been such a good idea, after all. Before he could come to a conclusive decision, though, Jellybeans enormous cybernetic rod ejaculated a wad with pin-point accuracy through Josh's brain-pan.
"Arrr!" cried Jellybean.
livingInTheFuture::brotherMorthos - Conspiring against you
The holier-than-thou pontificius maxiositous Brother Morthos sat in the bowels of the world's greatest conspiracy. Sometimes he wondered if the bowels were the best place to be, though. Perhaps, on reflection, he should move to the heart, or even the liver. You know, some place less poopy.
One of the pontificius' minions entered. "Glorious pontificius maxiositous, lighter of the darkness, diviner of the ways, soiler of the sheets - I bring you news!"
The pontificius slowly opened his good eye (the other having been lost in an unfortunate duel over trousers). "Yes?"
"Opus Dei agents have found Dan Brown. He's hiding in the pantry of an elderly couple in Shrewsbury."
The pontificius slowly drew himself up to his full height. He could only manage any movement slowly after the unfortunate accident with the altar-boy, the tub of bacon fat and the holy grail. "Launch a nuclear strike!" screamed the pontificius.
"Um, don't you think that's a little extreme?" asked the minion.
"I amend that order - have yourself executed and then get your successor to launch a nuclear strike!"
"Yes, your maxiositousness."
"Then, bring me cheese sandwiches! And nuns! Yes, nuns." The pontificius giggled like a japaneseSchoolGirl(tm).
livingInTheFuture::spartacusJellybean - Again with the bowels?
Deep in the bowels of the earth, far below even the caves of the hideous Vatican demon hordes, was the secret headquarters of adventurer, sexual tyrannosaur and Godzilla of bodily fluids, Spartacus Jellybean. He sat back in his comfortably-padded reclining-chair of many colours, gently gnawing on a giraffe thigh-bone. In his lap, covered in greasy finger prints and semen, was the copy of the Necronomicon of the Mad Bastard Apathy Jack that he'd borrowed from the library two years ago and never returned.
As he read it's pages of human-skin parchment, his cybernetically enhanced cock swelled with power. It winked at the pile of half-eaten japaneseSchoolGirls(tm) before ejaculating the words of power at a painting of a cheese sandwich.
From the holes in the cheese, an other-dimensional portal formed. From out of the portal stepped Shog Bobajob, mightiest of all of the entities from the other side. So mighty was Shog Bobajob that when it shook its prodigious buttocks, Cthulhu slipped from his other-dimensional-anus, covered in duct-tape and vaseline.
Jellybean stood, and aimed his cyclopean tower at Shog Bobajob. "I am the adventurer, sexual tyrannosaur and Godzilla of bodily fluids, Spartacus Jellybean. You will serve me, Shog Bobajob, or face the wrath of my cybernetically enhanced member."
Ten minutes or so later, when Shog Bobajob had finished violently sodomising Jellybean and left him sobbing for his mommy in the corner, wrapped for comfort in the entrails of japaneseSchoolGirls(tm), it left to eat Canada.
livingInTheFuture::ericOlthwaite - Man of Tomorrow
Sadly for Eric, he was sharing a nice sherry with Dan Brown in a small closet in Shrewsbury when the nuclear strike hit. Investigating the ruins, all that the Opus Dei agents could find of him was the charred remains of his left eyebrow.
In years to come, however, the agents would combine genetic data from the eyebrow with an incomplete DNA sequence they had obtained from Chuck Norris' false teeth, that had inexplicably been stored in the Vatican vaults. This they would use to clone the galaxies ultimate warrior. He then went on to enslave half the galaxy.
His battle cry of "This ones for Lemmy!" struck fear into the hearts of men on a million worlds.
livingInTheFuture::hewligan - A Tragedy
ACT I SCENE I
HEWLIGAN'S DISEMBODIED HEAD SITS IN A LARGE JAR. THE JAR, INSTEAD OF BEING FILLED WITH NUTRIENT FLUID, THOUGH, APPEARS TO BE FILLED WITH BEER. PERIODICALLY, PUFFS OF TOBACCO SMOKE FLOAT FROM THE TOP OF THE JAR.
NEXT TO HEWLIGAN'S JAR IS A SECOND JAR. THIS ONE IS FILLED WITH A BLACK, CANCEROUS MASS OF INDETERMINATE ORIGIN. THE MASS MUMBLES CONSTANTLY. THIS MUMBLING WOULD BE INCOMPREHENSIBLE ENOUGH, CONSIDERING THAT THE MASS ONLY SPEAKS IN AN OBSCURE LANGUAGE THAT WAS ONLY EVER USED BY HALF A DOZEN PRIESTS OF A LONG DEAD RELIGION IN ANCIENT SUMERIA. HOWEVER, THE MATTER IS MADE WORSE BY THE FACT THAT IT ONLY EVER SPEAKS THESE WORDS BACKWARDS.
MASS: Uhluhtc Ngatf!
HEWLIGAN: I thought Frank said he'd bring me some pie?
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