Friday, June 30, 2006


Apathy Jack writes:

So me and one of my lot are looking at the recently released prospectus – our latest effort to convince you to send your children to Hoodrat Academy for Higher Learning.

The front cover proudly displays out student leadership team: The Head Boy, the Deputy Head Boy, the Head Girl, and Miscellaneous Asian™. The Deputy Head Girl was absent when the photo was taken, so the Powers That Be decided that a tall Chinese girl could look short and Vietnamese if you put her in a blazer.

Inside the booklet is a dream of photoshop. The actual picture of the Deputy Head Girl showed her wearing the wrong blazer. We photoshopped her into the right one. A student, beaming a radiant smile at the camera to show just how happy he is to be at our school, has had his braces photoshopped out, to send the message that, I don't know, we don't tolerate failure in the realms of the academic or the orthodontic.

My favourite shot is of a photogenic wee blond thing, smiling for the camera with a book open on her desk – surely she's just looked up from her intent study to show how happy she is.

We photoshopped in the book.

Yeah, my head hurt just a little at that one too...

Probably the most altered shot is of some students intently conducting a science experiment (in a laboratory that is depicted as being suspiciously stain-free). Both students appear to be model youths, but that's because one of them has had his dog tags removed from around his neck, and the other has had his beard removed.

"Wow!" Exclaims the student reading the prospectus. "If I saw this, I'd want to come to this school too."
"I haven't read it yet," I tell her. "What is the written copy like?"
"It all sounds sarcastic."
"Yes. Even on the first page."
"But that's just all of the stuff about how we foster academic excellence and turn young people into mature adults and actually I see your point when you look at it..."

Come on, give us your kids. If the prospectus doesn't work, we're sending a guy with a flute to your house...


Josh said...

OK, that's three posts in a row starting with "So" - are we going to have to stage another intervention?

Apathy Jack said...

I'll intervene with your mother!

Josh said...