Friday, February 10, 2006

Lesser Known Moments of Hesitation: Cenobites and Your Reading Pleasures!

That Morthos Stare writes:

The greatest moment of hesitation in horror cinema must belong to Dr. Channard in 'Hellraiser 2: Hellbound' (to give it it's full title... Wait, that might be 'Clive Barker Presents... "Hellraiser 2: Hellbound"' or possibly even 'Clive Barker Presents... "Hellraiser 2: Hellbound" A Tony Randel Film' or even 'Clive Barker Presents... "Hellraiser 2: Hellbound" A Tony Randal Film starring Ashley Laurence.'

This could go on for days.

We know that this is, if not the greatest, one of the more major moments of hesitation in horror cinema because Dr. Channard, after unwillingly being turned into a Cenobite, utters the immortal line 'To think I hesitated.' That he then wages war upon Pinhead and Company (because he is no longer holding back now that he is a changed man) just goes to prove my point. Now I don't wish to spoil the film for you (but I will; neither Pinhead nor Channard win) but it strikes me that amongst the great moments of hesitation there must be examples of lesser known affairs. Moments of hesitation that are just as important as that of Dr. Channard's but hardly celebrated.

Thus inspired I turned to the history books and dragged out one of the more important but-little-known facts of hesitation relating to our erstwhile leader, Josh, of Company Brain Stab. For whilst it's a well known fact that Josh, along with all the members of the 'Brain Stab' Unintelligensia, is a lazy, apathetic bastard whose only motivating factor is the daily dolloping of fizzy caffeine that runs through his system this fact is so well known that no one really pays attention to it. Thus many exciting moments of Josh's hesitation are missed out upon because no one ever thought to think of them. Or, indeed, die the writer of this piece bother to think of parsing his sentences properly. No worry. Take, for example, this example of Josh setting up 'Brain Stab,' which I mention because it's the titular example which is, in itself, an example of the kind of thing I am, or at least planning to be, talking about.

'Clive Barker Presents... "Hellraiser 2: Hellbound" A Tony Randal Film starring Ashley Laurence with Wardrobe Consultancy provided by Clare Hastings.'

Sorry, got a little lost there. It is little known that every matter of importance in re 'Brain Stab' is always decided upon when I am not in Auckland. 'Brain Stab' was set up whilst I was in Egypt and it finally changed colour and opened its doors to the filthy outsiders at almost the very minute it was guaranteed I was in Blighty (and not, as rumoured, hiding under Josh's desk dressed only in a gimp mask). Yet this fact is also unremarked upon, mainly because it makes a great deal of sense. You see, Josh hesitated upon the setting up of 'Brain Stab' in its original blue incarnation entirely because his old mucker wasn't in situ but rather escaping the clutches of a tour guide under the Black Pyramid.

Yes, Josh hesitated. And well he might, for Morthos is the voice of arrogance masquerading as reason and had Morthos been present in the moments of 'Brain Stabs' creation he would have suggested, probably, that it be called 'Our Big Wank-off' and insisted that 'No Fat Chicks... Ever!' be not only its motto but also a guiding principle. There would also have been an insistence that every post end with the sentence fragment 'just like a chocolate milkshake up the arse, only crunchy!' Not because it is funny more because I like people adhering to standards I don't keep.

So, anyway, Josh hesitated. For your benefit, however, the likely lads, RSJS (improbably named Jellybean) and Jack (who insists he isn't a 'Babylon 5' reference even though I've seen him lust after my Victorian suit) forcibly broke both his arms and forced him to click on the Blogspot webpage with his nose.

'To think you hesitated,' I said upon my return. 'Bloody right you should have hesitated.' I think it was then that I truncheoned his red wrangler and set about deflowering his cuddly toys. 'Have you betrayed us?' I ranted. I could see in his eyes that he knew the madness was coming. 'Have you betrayed... me!' I shouted, all the louder.

When next I saw Joshua things were different. Perhaps it was the look in his eye or the way he handled the scapel; never before had the emasculation hurt so much or taken so long. I don't think he hesitated that time, although I did, when I joined the Vienna Boys Choir, once more.

But that's a different moment of hesitation altogether, just like a chocolate milkshake up the arse, only crunchy.


Josh said...

OK, first of all, "erstwhile" means "former" -- either I am the "leader" here, in which case I still am, or it's a collaborative thing, in which case I never was, and I'm just some guy who makes unilateral decisions when other people aren't looking.

Second of all, don't kid yourself, sunshine -- if you'd been here you would have insisted that our slogan had something to do with Big Pies. Big, steamy pies. Dirty, slutty, slutty pies. Oooh... do excuse me.

The Hand of Morthos said...

One; All acts of fiction must have license. Two: Stop ruining my fun! Three: See 'One.' Four: Me no have pie fetish. Five: See 'Four.' Six: Aren't you meant to be dead? Seven: 'Erstwhile' refers to 'Six.' Eight: Everyone loves a paradox. Nine: No, your Mother!