Thursday, March 24, 2005

Slappy McGiblets and the Opinionatin' Pants

Josh writes:

As a direct consequence of getting SKY last weekend, I have not yet watched Campbell Live, and since I'd rather staple my groin to a cement mixer than gaze upon Paul Holmes or Susan Wood, I have no feel whatsoever for the current affairs melange as it stands. I'm still going to talk about it though, because this is the Internet, where the only good opinion is an uninformed opinion! Hand me my opinionatin' pants and I'll begin.

Apparently he opened his first show with "G'day youse fullas." As far as memorable lines go, it's no "hand me the keys, you fucking cocksucker", but it'll do, I guess -- it certainly seems to have got people's attention. Then, I'm told, there was some sort of exposé on Chinese motorists buying driver's licences or some shit and witty reading out of Don Brash's biography and would you look at that: three sentences in and already I don't give a crap. Back to Antiques Roadshow. I mean, back to Cartoon Network and professional wrestling.

I'm sure I'll get around to watching John-boy at some stage; he's a wacky monkey who's not afraid to take the piss, and he does have the dreamy Jaquie Brown on side, so he gets my vote. Her new show on C4 works for me, too. I tuned in last week to see Ms Brown displaying unprecedented amounts of cleavage while having her shoes licked by Optimus from the Misfits of Science -- now that's television. Shame about the "Weasel", an annoying fuck who jumps around the stage and hands out the scores while shrieking like, well like a member of that breed of extroverted bollocks that equates volume with humour -- George Dawes he ain't. The identity of the Weasel, much like The Stig on Top Gear, is shrouded in mystery. I choose to believe that in real life his name is Slappy McGiblets and in his spare time he leads a feral existence in the rafters of the Britomart complex, before the C4 people come to tazer him and cart him off to the set.

I also choose to believe that Jaquie knows when I'm pressing myself up to the television and loves it, so maybe you don't want to take my word on that.