Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Bottled filth

RSJS writes:,2554,67794,00.html?tw=wn_tophead_5

“Targeting self-conscious 4x4 owners whose rugged vehicles seldom see obstacles bigger than a speed bump, the enterprising British e-tailer behind Sprayonmud sells the scent of the countryside in a squirt bottle..

For 8 pounds (about $14.50), buyers get 0.75 liters (.85 quarts) of genuine filthy water, bottled from hills near the company's premises on the rural England-Wales border. The aim, says the website, is "to give your neighbors the impression you've just come back from a day's shooting or fishing -- anything but driving around town all day or visiting the retail park."”

I want to kill people very, very badly. In a vat of 11-secret-herbs-and-spices mud. Slowly, and painfully, possibly with those metal screwy things one uses to attach dog leashes to dirt, while lecturing them sternly on how this is for the good of humankind and that they are an insult to civilisation and should be ashamed to have deprived others of vital brain-feeding oxygen with their gasbagging about Chardonnay and something they almost paid attention to on the Discovery channel. I want these people do expire spitting chunks of peat and teeth and stomach lining and just before their spleens explode and their hair catches fire from the volume of my screaming lecture I want to see the glimmer of understanding in their cow-like eyes when they realise I am RIGHT and that their death is DESERVED.

That said, if strange urban entrepreneurs do start appearing sporting gaping screw-holes leaking clay and generally overstuffed with expensive mud and positioned in embarrassing poses reminiscent of Mapplethorpe exhibitions and wearing placards stating they are very very sorry for wasting everyone’s time for their meagre lifespans, I would just like to point out I was visiting my aunt in Poland at the time. That is all.

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