Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Apathy Jack writes:

In class today my Plastics got into a discussion about the ideal age to have children. Given that two of their number of well on the way to doing so, it is a relevant issue (probably more so than the essay on the Sibylline Books they were meant to be writing, at any rate...)

I told them that if yet another one of them fell hapu, I would rip the baby out with my hands, because, as my philosophy runs: one of something is an accident; two of something is a co-incidence; but three of something is a hobby.

Lunchtime and one of the aforementioned two comes for a visit. It is the first time I’ve seen her in some months. I wrap my hands around her throat in my traditional attempt to throttle the pregnancy out of her. (It hasn’t worked on any of the others, but I figure that just means I’m due a win...) I’m distracted by one of mine saying that she thought earlier when I was threatening to rip out foetuses, rather than tearing through the abdominal lining, which was my intent, I would be reaching (let’s see, how to put this diplomatically...?) up. Her friend admits that this is also what she thought.

I assure them that they are the worst sort of perverts, and are going straight to hell.

I realise that my ex-student is trying to tell me something. I’ve forgotten to stop strangling her as I talk to the others.

I loosen my grip. Slightly. She tells me she’s started correspondence school. She left school before she got knocked up, wasting a particularly precocious mind in the process, but now, she’s going to finish her education “for baby”.

From this, we can learn two things:

1) Yes, it is okay for me to choke heavily pregnant sixteen year olds. No, it’s not okay for you to do it, but I’m A Teacher, and I’ve had training.

2) There’s hope out there if you look long and hard enough for it...

7 comments:

Span said...

Yeah I assumed you meant reaching up too. That's a bit icky, for a male teacher.

Apathy Jack said...

You people are all perverts.

Hewligan said...

I'd assumed you'd meant throught the abdominal wall, and the other way hadn't even occurred to me.

I think it's just that girls have dirty minds...

T-Bird said...

Who the hell rips a foetus out that way?

Everyone knows you go down the throat.

RSJS said...

I tend to come down the throat, to prevent a foetus ever being created.

I look forward to that school's "Class of 2012" photo - all these lumbering, hairy, hillbilly-bearded, slightly Helter Skelter lookin' kids all with those "Ah jes fucked mah sister" expressions on their faces saying "Cheese" and showing off their communal tooth...

llew said...

Yeah, what T-Bird said.

Jim said...

Kaaaaa-liiiii-maaaaaaa...