So, Intelligent Design, eh? Or “ID” as some people abbreviate it. Evolution guided by the hand of God and all that.
I know, I know, people probably think I’m going to come the raving atheist who’s going to be hypercritical of this principle, this middle-ground between Darwinian evolution and Creationism, this bastard offspring of science and faith. Oh, ho, look at Uncle Jellybean ripping into another straw dog with his scythe of scepticism and combine harvester of child-molestation jokes. But no, sorry, I actually agree with the concept of ID. I believe it to be a useful and viable answer to many of the questions and problems that plague the planet today. And the Americans are campaigning to make it part of their school curriculum, which I also think is a forward-thinking and positive approach to combining secular and faith-based educations in Amerika.
Because America as a country is failing. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but looking at the excesses of their society, the graven idols they worship like Colonel Sanders’ buckets of fried chicken-skin, Reality TV one step removed from the Running Man, Japanese cartoons, violent pornographic computer games, they are bogged down in a seething swamp of decadence and ill health. Their country is trying to save the world from the Terror yet it rots within, slowing the fight to a crawl of strung-out troops receiving no support from back home where fat kids hide behind their parents to keep the drafts out. Which is why they need Intelligent Design to be introduced into school, to get the God back into the Goddamned School System.
They need it, to make them dumber.
The Americans are struggling against incredible odds to still hold their heads up as a Mighty Morphin’ Super Power. Their people are stuck on couches too fat to fit through their front door (the people, not the couches. Well, actually, both. But how did the couch get IN? God moves furniture in mysterious ways), intravenously ingesting liquefied Big Macs and goggling at Survivor and anything Tom Green has ever done while itching where they once remember their genitalia to be. Floor thick with pornography, the internet permanently plugged to a Cam Whore site showing under-agers raping puppies, Televangelism on the radio and Tony Robbins tapes abandoned in the VCR. But despite the Unistat Empire veingmade up of this rotting biomass, still they fight on. There is still some glimmer of intelligence created by the critical mass of morons blanketing their continent.
So if we introduce ID to dumb down the kids even more, to baffle them with choices that will bewilder and be incredibly biased by the teacher explaining it to the point there will be inter-class holy wars, this biomass’ brain activity is going to slow down to the static one gets from putting an EKG on a cabbage; no more flashes of militant brilliance, the nation won’t even be able to tie its shoes let alone invade oil-rich camel-jockey paradises to “Liberate” their monkey arses from CIA spooks. The great country of charlatans and cocksuckers will descend into a drool-pool of barefoot pigfuckers led over by Bush in a paper hat and a stolen aviator’s uniform all worshipping Jesus an marvelling at how clever he was to make the entire planet a gigantic Rube Goldberg machine that finished its working right bang at the pinnacle of evolution, Dubya the Slack-jawed Yokel. End of the War on Terror, beginning of the War on Teletubbies, and the rest of the planet can go back to watching British comedy on Chinese televisions, driving Italian cars and possibly donkeypunching New Zealand for quietly admitting we invented the Pop Star American Asrehole Reality TV Monster. Bless.