Friday, February 02, 2007

Today I shall be annoyed by... (Spins Wheel of Irritation) The Police. Don't stand so close to me...

RSJS writes:

“Our sincere thoughts are extended to all those persons involved and their supporting families”

This line comes from a mostly-automated police letter sent out to advise people investigating a serious crash that the serious crash goon squad are still measuring skid-marks (snigger). And the longer I stare at it, the less it makes sense.

Not merely because this letter was sent to me and I’m far more interested in the report from the poor gumbooted sod out mopping gravel-thickened blood off the motorway than whether a machine is extending sincere thoughts at random strangers, but also because the whole extending-of-sincere-thoughts creeps me out. A lot. I keep thinking about some kind of earnest Mormon xenomorph with eight Aryan-blue eyes and a long proboscis bristling with mind-control whiskers trying to dry-fuck my ear and control my thoughts. Sincerely.

…not to mention the phrase doesn’t give an inkling about the sordid nature of the thoughts themselves. Frankly, I think the Plod sincerely think those involved in this matter were bipedal cockroaches crushed by the vindictive hand of Old-Testament Jehovah (which would make for a good brand of sippin’ whiskey… “80-proof Old Testament Jehovah – God’s Wrath in a Bottle”) and so can extend their sincere thoughts of “Ha hah, squashed like bugs. LIKE BUGS!” to those random “persons” they might be thinking about.

And is the supporting family a slight on those who aren’t being nice enough to crash victims? No extended proboscis-sincerity for families in general, only “supporting” ones. By whose definition? How supportive must one be to get a sincere thought from a policeman’s porn-choked ‘puter? Donating-a-kidney support or text-message-of-sympathy lip-service support? Are we graded on a curve? How can we check? Who should I be talking to? Why won’t you love me? WHY?

…and the next sentence of the letter’s no better…

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