Monday, February 04, 2008

Books You Should Be Reading Number 38 Of A Bunch

Apathy Jack writes:

I Am America (And So Can You!) by Stephen Colbert

Childrearing is arguably the most important of my core values. I believe in it, I practice it, and I ceaselessly promote it to my friends and followers. That said, generally speaking, I’m against children.

What’s the matter? Did I shake you up?

See, I’m not against the conception of children; like I said, they’re the only permissible reason for intercourse. And I’m not against pregnancy – in fact, if you ask me, there’s nothing more beautiful than a third-trimester mother-to-be in full maternity regalia. Maybe it’s the elastic, I don’t know. But the effect is stunning.

No, my problem is the children themselves. They may be cute, but they are here to replace us. Need proof? Ever catch one walking around in your shoes? That’s a chilling moment, like finding an empty body snatcher pod in the basement.

“But children are out future!” Yes, but does that not also mean that we are their past? I don’t understand why we’re helping them. You don’t see union factory workers throwing a benefit for robots.


Colbert is, of course, host of The Colbert Report, which airs after the Daily Show in the ‘States. Fortunately, they stream a bunch of it here. If you’re not watching it regularly, you should be.

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