Friday, April 27, 2007

Apathy Jack writes:

Student 1 “Sir, can we watch 300? It’s about ancient Greece, so it’s relevant to Classics.”
Me “No! I hate field trips. They’re annoying to organise and fill me with anger, so we’re not going to the movies.”
Student 1 “Can we watch it on DVD?”
Me “Normally I’d say yes, but the DVD won’t be out until after I’ve left the school.”
Student 1 “What about if we got a burnt copy?”
Me “Sure, theoretically, why not?”
Student 1 “I happen to have one here.”
Me “Y’all just set me up, didn’t you?”
Student 1 “Just get the DVD player, Sir.”
Student 2 “Eeyew! Everybody! Angela eats talcum powder!”
Student 3 “What’s that?”
Student 4 “It’s like baby powder.”
Student 5 “Isn’t that the stuff you put on you after you shower?”
Student 6 “What? Eating it isn’t weird. You just put some on your hand, and lick it.”
Student 7 “Ew! Don’t you put that on, like... intimate areas?”
Student 6 “There’s nothing wrong with eating it!”
Me “I think I can clear this up. Angela is a big, big freak for eating talcum powder. However, if all of you started sharing the things you do at home that you think are completely normal, you’d find the rest of the class mocking you like you’re mocking Angela, because y’all are freaks. Everyone is a freak in their own way.”
Student 8 “That may be true, but at least we don’t eat talcum powder.”
Student 9 “Yuck! If there were cum stains on my undies, I’d change my undies!”
Me “I’m pleased to hear that, Cady, but hows about whatever you’re talking about with Nicole, you go back to talking about really quietly, so we don’t all hear things like that?”
Student 10 “Hey, Sione, turn it up!”
Student 11 “Yeah, but turn it up to an even number.”
Student 10 “Fourteen’s not loud enough. Up to fifteen!”
Student 11 “No! Keep it on an even number!”
Me “See, y’all are mocking Angela for being a freak because she eats talcum powder, but you can’t handle odd numbers.”
Student 11 “I don’t know what it is – they’ve just always freaked me out.”
Student 12 “Nine! Nine! Nine!”
Student 11 “Stop that!”
Student 13 “What are you doing?”
Student 12 “Jody’s scared of odd number.”
Student 13 “Heheh. Ten! Ten! Ten! Wait, shit!”
Student 14 “Another tits scene? This movie’s like a porno.”
Student 15 “You haven’t watched pornos, have you? This isn’t anything like a porno.”
Student 16 “How many pornos do you watch?”
Student 15 “I watched one when I was a little kid. My cousins were meant to be babysitting me, but they kicked me out of the house, locked the all doors, and watched a porno. I was trying to get back in, so I kept looking through the window, and I could see the TV. I didn’t understand it, I was like, ‘What are those people doing?’ My cousins were the worst babysitters.”
Student 17 “No worse than you.”
Student 15 “What? I wasn’t watching pornos, I was just drunk. Hey, at least I put the baby down to sleep before I got too drunk.”
Student 17 “No, I did that.”
Student 15 “Look, the important thing is that the baby was put down to sleep.”

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