Sunday, December 04, 2005

Not enough famine, not enough suffering, not enough natural selection

Apathy Jack writes:

If anyone was wondering why the Narnia books were better than the Lord Of The Christ Awful Elf Movies Which Are Just Tiresomely Long Travelogues Of Wales, then I think I’ve struck upon it:

There’s the scene in The Magician’s Nephew where Aslan sets Digory a quest. Now, here we have the first two differences:

1) The directions of where to go on this long quest are laid out in about half a page of big type, not dozens upon dozens of pages of awful rubbish about elves.

2) It’s not written in Welsh.

But the biggest difference is in what happens thereafter: Digory says (to paraphrase); “Well, that’s halfway across Narnia over stream and under dale, so it will take us a long time to journey there and back again.”

Whereupon Aslan replies (and again, I’m paraphrasing) “Don’t be so bloody silly – here’s a flying horse. You’ll be back by early tomorrow morning.”

Now that is how you write a mythical quest: No dwarves named Faceless Unnecessary Character Numbers 1-9, not an elf to be seen anywhere, and, best of all, it’s all over before you can say “Good fuck, Crappy Magician # 2 has taken over Hobbiton! Won’t this fucking book ever end?”