Apathy Jack writes:

One of my kids is assembling a scrapbook of letters for my ex student who, at the age of fifteen, has just given birth. She’s asked me to contribute something. I sat up last night writing to her, but, in the light of day, have decided to start over. Here is the original...


According to Mark 13:20 no flesh shall be spared during the birth pains. I certainly hope this was not the case with you, and trust that you are recovered and resting comfortably.

How is the child? Macroencephalitic?

Now for the teacher voice part of the letter:

What are you going to be doing with your life? Of course your short term plans probably involve living with whichever parent you can currently stomach (try to make it your mother if you can – she may be insane, but your father is insane and a drug dealer) and DPBing your way into cigarette money.

That’s fine for now, but I am thinking long term. You are too intelligent to become a full-time teenaged mother. I’d recommend some manner of correspondence school if it wasn’t so expensive and if I thought for a New York minute you’d actually do it. Bugger it - there will be no preaching here; I know that you won’t bloody listen.

You should come and visit me. My classes are cakewalks this year, so anytime is good to pop in. I want to yell at you in my most sanctimonious teacher voice. I want to see your little girl. But most of all I want to see you to make sure you’re okay, and I want to see you because I’m fond of you. I know it’s been a couple of years, but I still worry...

I’m still working on some of the ones who stayed behind when you left. Some of them are getting there.

I’m sorry I couldn’t do more to help you.

Tell your sister I say hi.