Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Foetus Not Into Temptation

Apathy Jack writes:

Pretty quiet around here lately. I blame society.

Anyhoo, in lieu of any new stuff, I present something that I wrote for a zine my friend Lily Petals was planning a while back, about, from memory, women’s health issues. Zine was shelved because, I don’t know, she had a life or some similar reason, and the things I wrote fell into a back corner of my hard drive, where I recently came across them. For your reading pleasure (alright; for your skimming indifference) I present something nominally about the politics of abortion:


“Abortions for everyone!”
“BOO!”
“Very well. Abortions for no one!”
“BOO!”
“Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!”
“YAY!”

Abortion on demand, I tell you! Set up a drive-through window and have a clown with a coat hanger asking if you’d like fries with your womb-prodding.

Sure that may seem a touch rough, but here’s the thing: We live in a permissive society that gives people the choice to do as they will, and, as God learned when he gave the monkeys free will: nothing good can come of that. People will have sex – specifically unsafe sex, because apparently it’s too much effort to put a condom on and you know you can’t really feel anything with one anyway because half a millimeter of rubber may as well be some kind of scratchy wool mitten even though your average horny teenager could get off by rubbing themselves through a pair of steel plated asbestos long johns the filthy little fuckers – and they only way to stop these rutting animals is to go back to a puritanical law code that forbids people from having sex standing up because it might lead to dancing.

And do you really think we’re going to repeal all of those nice, rights-ensuring laws? Of course not. (Casual dismissal not valid in America, where, even as you read this - hand shoved down your trousers, no doubt, because I’m talking about reproduction, and that means sex doesn’t it you dirty, dirty little pervert - George “SPUC ‘em if they can’t take a joke” Bush is currently scaling back all of those rights to make the country safe for God-fearing heterosexual slave owners.)

So, with no law change to corral the perverts, certain truths must be made self-evident:

1) It’s a vagina, not a clown car! If these Russian dolls stopped squatting out smaller and smaller versions of themselves every half a generation the stats on abortion wouldn’t be significant enough to upset anyone.

2) It’s not an abortion, it’s a necessary surgery procedure to have a tumour removed. Surely these right-to-life monkeys (who don’t even believe in evolution – you want proof we’re descended from primates, look in the mirror you ridge-browed hominid scumfuck) wouldn’t begrudge a dying cancer patient the right to treatment? Well these tumours are more insidious: rather than killing the victim, they use the victim’s own bodily resources to grow to full size, then excise themselves and become perambulatory! These malignant growths then spend eighty odd years walking around polluting the atmosphere, funding McGlobalcapitalism, watching reality TV, voting for George W Bush, and otherwise fucking up a serviceable planet that we were ruining perfectly nicely without their help thank you very much.

So, in conclusion: You suck. Let’s not make any more of you, alright?

5 comments:

David S. said...

JAa-ack.. when did you write this?* I think it might be actually be possible that you've gotten less angry as you've gotten older. Sobering thought that one.

*yes yes, "a while back"

N for Nihilism said...

I've thought long and hard on my stance on abortion, with one main caveat in mind - How do I offend the most people with my views? And I think I have it.

I believe that all abortion should be illegal. However, I believe that once the child is born, infanticide should be legal (if committed by a parent or guardian) up until the child is five years of age.

There. I think I managed to piss off the pro-lifers and the pro-choicers.

Paul said...

n for nihlism:

and me. I kinda work at Starship...

Jake said...

I skimmed it indifferently.

The Perfect Man said...

Too bad for you that your Ma didn't do a late term abortion on you. Then you could have personally enjoyed a real 'brain stab' of your own if you were still moving once outed, terrible cancer that you are.

Heh, and here I was thinking I had problems!