Apathy Jack writes:

This one is for the surprisingly large number of deluded souls who have, in the last week, suggested that I apply to fill the position left by my departing Head of Department:


The scene: A meeting of the newly re-christened English Trinity (we considered Triumvirate, but I thought it lacked the proper gravitas. Trinity was a compromise from my suggestion of Triune Godhead. The short version is that, in a school that has five English teacher positions – and should really probably have at least seven – there are three of us now...)

Me “I think you two should go for co-head, like we talked about last year.”
Colleague 1 “We weren’t serious.”
Me “Still, it’s a good idea. And you could say that the two of you have the backing of the entire department. The department as a whole will unite under your leadership.”
Colleague 1 “If we become co-heads, the entire department consists of you.”
Me “That doesn’t make what I said any less true.”
Colleague 1 “Are you interested?”
Colleague 2 “Sure. Should we write up some manner of proposal?”
Colleague 1 “Okay. Should we do it now?”
Colleague 2 “Sure.”
Me “I’ll go and make the tea.”
Colleague 1 “No you don’t, come here and help us write it.”


Shortly...

Colleague 2 “We can offer the school... what? What should we say?”
Me “A way out of the filthy mire we have become embedded in. Do you think we should go with ‘filthy’, or find a synonym?”
Colleague 1 “Shush.”
Colleague 2 “We can offer many things to the school, such as...?”
Me “Traction. To get out of the mire.”
Colleague 1 “Shush!”

...

Colleague 2 “We believe that we are, what?”
Me “Golden gods of education striding through the school like colossuses...”
Colleague 1 “Shush.”
Me “...backlit by glowing haloes, with an angel’s choir echoing as we...”
Colleague 1 “Shush!”

...

Colleague 2 “In conclusion, we are…?”
Me “LEGENDARY!!! Make sure you put it in capitals. With At least three exclamation marks.”



Anyway, the moral of the story is: I ended up being given a nominal promotion and a raise.



No, I’m not entirely sure how that happened either...