Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Words of Advice

Sir Arthur Streeb-Greebling writes:

It’s a funny thing about mothers and fathers. Even when their own child is the most disgusting little blister you could ever imagine, they still think he or she is wonderful.

Some parents go further. They become so blinded by adoration they manage to convince themselves their child has qualities of genius.

Well, there’s nothing very wrong with all this. It’s the way of the world. It’s only when the parents begin telling us about the brilliance of their own revolting offspring, that we start shouting, “Bring us a basin! We’re going to be sick!”

School teachers suffer a good deal from having to listen to this sort of twaddle from proud parents, but they usually get their own back when the time comes to write their end-of-term reports. If I were a teacher, I would cook up some real scorchers for the children of doting parents. “Your son Maximilian,” I would write, “is a total wash-out. I hope you have a family business you can push him into when he leaves school because he sure as heck won’t get a job anywhere else.” Or, if I were feeling lyrical that day, I might write, “It is a curious truth that grasshoppers have their hearing organs in the sides of their abdomen. Your daughter Vanessa, judging by what she’s learnt this term, has no hearing organs at all.”

Roald Dahl “Matilda”


Atomic Bombshell said...

Goodness, I hope that will never be the case with me... Probably won't be either, as I find the thought of children a bit too freaky to ever commit to.

liver said...

As a high-risk-mother I get the assistance of a lovely woman who pops in on me about once a fortnight. She plays with my overgrown little parisite, has a chat with me about what he's doing and ticks off on a little sheet whenever he does anything new.

My lil piece of liver is a little genius because a little piece of paper says so.

I feel so sorry for those parents with ugly stupid kids.

On the other hand my child will have basic literacy skills before he enters the school system, and I'll always have a strong involvment in his schoolwork, freeing up the teachers to concentrate on the little kiddies who can't read.

Might help to purge the stupid out of their parents first though.

Psycho Milt said...

How true. I've noticed how other parents fondly imagine their repulsive little horrors are somehow comparable with my astoundingly clever offspring. (It's all in the genes, you know)